17:25

More changes.

Change of perspective.

Change of thoughts.

Change of goals.

Change of many more changes to come.

I´ve reached the official beginning of a completely new life.

[I am officially back...]

9:47 a.m.

During a five month time frame a lot have changed. Change of country. Change of business. Change of career. Change of phone. Change of laptop. Change of WordPress theme. Change of address. Change of beer. Change of clothing. Change of expectations. Change of status. Change of goals. Change of me.

I am at a new phase in life. And I am truly pleased about that.

17:04

No thoughts left to share and its time to head out. Monday has come to an end.

The week just started.

torn between what could be right…or wrong…

How do I know when a decision is the right one?

and..

How do I know when a decision is the wrong one?

perhaps only time will tell…

Mimi

[For some time now I’ve been thinking of throwing some thoughts of my personal life and personal experience…but seems like the overwhelming real world didn’t allow me much time to type or even consider these little bits of pieces I have been keeping within]

It’s now been about 5 years since I’ve left my so beloved home country to come experience a world so different from the one I thought I’d be living in today.

Sadly, I came to the realization that life is not exactly what you dreamed of or predicted when you were young. But fortunately, when you grow older and a little wiser you realize that it is actually better. But it takes a while. It takes mistakes and it takes a lot of tears. It takes hurtful comments and even some perpetual friends along your path for you to realize that, you get what you work for. And that my friend is the world I live in. Everything you see around me, I worked for it.

I didn’t end up here by mistake; neither did I make a mistake to end up here.

Most people don’t get what I mean by this, but in all reality, who cares? This is my life we are talking about, not everybody else’s.

I like to believe that I see things in a very different angle compared to many people around me. I am not entirely Brazilian nor am I truly Chinese. I am definitely not American, and sometimes wished I was from somewhere in Europe. I didn’t really know my true identity when I was young. I battled through a very awkward identity crisis for a while. And Today…well, today’s Ana is a result of that chaotic battle. I didn’t know where I fit in, but I knew where I didn’t fit in and that is a planned, expected and predictable future. Whatever that would be. I don’t like predictable things…

I love expecting the unexpected…

It is sickening to me that people suck it up, people brag, people play their cards to get somewhere in life. I could have done the same. But then…I’d be like them. Perhaps they have more money, more people they like to call friends but I often wonder…do they really think that is real? Is it real?

I chose a different path, leave the family business, wealth…I left it all behind me. With a college degree and a bank account with a very round zero, I took off and went my own way…by the looks of it…I might of turned out alright…

One does not truly know what is real until you have to work hard to earn your living. Work for your every meal and sweat to get that roof over the top of your head.  It’s true, I survived with cup noodles for a while, but then I did better.

I learned from mistakes not to settle for the comfortable, I learned to always ask instead of assuming. Lies are easy to tell, but the truth will always come out. Those that promise you too much…perhaps they are lying. But all negativity aside, if you are lucky, good people and things will come your way.

And I am one of those lucky ones. I have someone I like to call my best friend who also happens to be my younger brother. I never thought I’d be here saying that he taught me to be stronger and to stand up for myself. He reminded me every day that “you don’t have a tough life, you just encounter obstacles,” that “you are not living a mistake, you are just in a very uncertain time along your  way to greatness”…

After spending one well deserved week to make up for all those five years I did not spend time with him…I saw a grown young man in front me. He is shy and young but don’t let that fool you.  He has wise words to share with you in times of need and he knows when to simply sit there and look at you with those encouraging but understanding eyes.

I miss him everyday…

And for that matter this post is entirely dedicated to him. My brother. My best friend. My confidant.

Black and White

Creativity seems to have left me…

To think that at times of distress I could type my heart away and express my feelings through empty characters that would form words full of meaning. I am deprived of inspiration and have lost the capacity to think beyond what i am told to think. Since when did people stop losing their liveliness to start working hard towards the technicalities of a career?

Is it not possible to find a way to combine both? I thought that working with no barriers…with diverse clients with different situations would allow all of us in this industry  a vast room for the NEW…

but then you hit a wall.. .the rules and norms…the “can’t do this”,” that is not appropriate”….

ah! Lets be boring! restrict ourselves from creativity for the sake of an old boring style that can lead us for the same old…”thats a good idea…they did it that way and it worked!” or…”everyone else is doing it….we should too”

East or West…North or South…it doesn’t matter on which part of the country or world you are in…advertising, journalism, public relations,marketing…all the same old boring…

Back in the day…different used to make you stand out…nowadays….being different means risk. How did we get to this? Are we all just copy cats? We sure are good at keeping it just the same…because it works.

If artists had restrained themselves to what society demanded..or what the rules allowed you to do…would be have had impressionism, expressionism or the geometric shapes of cubism?

Aside from the boring, we also have the over exaggerated…biased newspapers, scary swine flu media coverage….being bombardiated by cell phone company ads…informational? creative? interesting? ….just another ad hoping to attract people to spend money elsewhere…everything revolves around the solemn purpose of making more money…

I remember looking forward to every Christmas when Coke would come out with a brand new ad. They were always different, inspiring…full of spirit…

ah…i miss creativity…

I recall wanting to be part of this industry because I thought we were the creative minds…we were the people in charge of adding new colors to the canvas…instead we are all stuck with some old boring black and white.

oh and we are also called the scary deceiving spin doctors every now and then…

…a little moment of happiness…

The Cat Returns — TOTO-SAN!

With a Tall Glass of Wine

my little bundle of joy shaking off the sand from Black Moshannon’s little beach

I found this little something i wrote one day…

November 08, 2007

With a tall glass of wine, of which interestingly enough is an organic white wine, I sit here contemplating about the beauty of choices, and the consequences of such. I wander of the many steps people choose to take in order to achieve their most daring and personal wishes, or the choices people make in order to prove themselves to be grand, or those who simple cannot see what lies ahead and follow the sad path of following orders and experiencing the emptiness of a black and white existence.

The risk of reaching our ultimate desire, goal, destiny or what you would call life, is inexplicable, for no predictions can be made. It is simply what it is. A risk. Once a wise person who have now been by my side for what I’d like to call forever, has told me once, “If you don’t risk it, how would you know is a risk?” There might me horrifying consequences to your actions but they might also be gratifying. And with this belief instigated within me, I have taken the steps to arrive to the position that I am in today.

For those who are greedy and blinded by the solitude and darkness of money, they cannot see where I am or what I have become. But for those who understand the power of daring, freedom and real existence, I am what I should have always been and what I will ever become.

On a different note, I sometimes find myself pondering on the meaning of truly loving someone and being loved in return. Does such thing really exist? And is it really as passionate and hurtful as it sound? I try to understand why is it that many speak of the loneliness a relationship can bring to you…and then I ask myself, have I done that to the one I love? Have I brought this life of misery to him? Have I placed him in a corner of which he cannot escape? People rarely realize that by loving someone so intensely might restrain them from being their true self, but then they fear that by allowing them to be just who they want to be, it would be too much pain to endure. Sometimes we just cannot accept that loving is much more than simply receiving, we must also give…and sometimes giving means pain…

It has definitely become clear, that I cannot be consistent about one particular topic today, as many things rushes through this quite restless, yet comfortable, drunk state of mine. Allow me one more sip of wine, before I continue to type away …

The bitterness of such fine sweet grapes poisons my soul and frees the being unafraid of expressions and recklessness. Maybe life does not have to be always perfect, flaws makes them even more exciting.

It is unbelievable how little thing in life can bring so much joy. I watch my beautiful Pebbles run around the room after this little stuffed ball as if it was the first and last time she will ever chase it or play with it. Why can’t we be like that when doing things. Embrace it with all of our heart and simple enjoy it till its last drop.

Ah! Life. What a great one I have, full of ups and downs, trust and doubts, laughs and tears. The beauty of living, is such of no price. Many would call me fool, so then I am a fool, but a fool with a life with all the colors in the rainbow, a fool full of love and desires, a fool with the world watching me and waiting for me to take my next daring step.

Wow, have I lost control of myself?… Must be the wine. So this is it…for today…
The thoughts of a mind drowned in organic white grape wine.

its going to be one of those days…

Waking up to the silent noise of the breeze outside, i knew at once…Its going to be one of those days…those days where we can’t focus and the world is at a blur.

Could the weather be at fault? or is it me, who has chosen to shut my eyes and not wake up to this so called reality?

so if you see me on the streets..wake me up…

it is time for me to come back to this horrendous world…

booo…i hate the cold weather…

A little insight over some questions…

What does it mean to be a citizen? What does it mean to be a consumer? How are these terms related to your daily life?Is it possible to be a global citizen? Is it possible to be a global consumer?How are all of the above concepts related to understanding the world and your place and role within it? Citizen, I was once taught that to be a citizen meant to be a part of a society. But then, which society? Before communication was such a strong tool, before the rapid advances of technology, a citizen was a member of a city within a country. But is it still this way? Nowadays we find ourselves living within a society influenced by numerous cultures, traditions, cities and countries, to the extent that I would believe we are not citizens of the world. We claim that ” our culture” is still intact, that we are still unique, when we really are no longer unique. We may speak different languages, do things a little differently, but we have all now gotten to a point where, we practically think alike. We share the same concerns for the world economy. We share the same concerns for the war in Iraq, and by that, you don’t have to be a U.S “citizen”, just simply a citizen, a member of this grand society called the world.Many may argue with my opinion, but after growing up outside of the U.S, while my parents instigated in me all of the Asian traditions, education, but at the same time growing up in a third world country, my so loved Brazil, I no longer have just one identity, or just one country of which I relate to. I am a global citizen.I still remember when I was little and to get a pair of Nike shoes was so hard and expensive. Nike shoes, where the “must have” between kids. It was a tool to show off and to be able to say “look my shoes are from the United States”. Nowadays, Nike shoes are everywhere for everyone. Some may not be real ones…like you would find on the streets of Brazil, but again, the idea is that one countries products are no longer just limited for those in the country. Japanese consumer can get a hold of Italian products, and vise versa. Maybe I can’t find my favorite fruits in this country yet, but this is about to change. Passion fruit used to be a fruit that only us Brazilians used to have, now I can find then in California and even Taiwan. So is it possible to be a world consumer? Most definitely.We live in a very different world compared to the world we grew up in. Ten years ago, things were very different. Our world was the things around us, the people we met, and the country we lived in. But it has all changed.We travel, we meet different people. We are well connected and capable of communication with everyone, everywhere at anytime. We have a role in society and that is to be “open minded”, willing to learn as much as we can and not live in a self centered society. We need to think how much our actions can affect people and what we can do to change…hm I see I got a little carried on…oaps!